Band Bonanza

My wife and I are attending a high school band festival today.  It is actually a very exciting event (at least for me) where somewhere around 30 or so different high school bands from across the region converge at our community's high school and will perform and be evaluated on their performances.   I have attended this event several times in the past and you hear some pretty damn good playing and some wonderful music. 

PipeTobacco

Friday Thoughts

Several quick thoughts for today that I have been meaning to have here:

1.  In my Lenten vows, I forgot one additional item I am incorporating (or trying to incorporate) this Lent.  I am making a concerted effort to consistently work towards having better (more consistent) work on upper body strength.   With aging, this is important to try to maintain or improve upper body strength to help in balance and support issues.  I have unfortunately been wildly inconsistent in these efforts. 

2.  Although I failed to mention it a few days ago when I did this, I did put my pipe I had been carrying about with me back in its pipe rack.  I felt it was a good idea to not have it be a perpetual habit for me to carry it about like a pacifier.  It was helpful for my stress, but it did also have me think more about pipes than I already do so that part was not a real benefit.

3.  I am hoping that by the end of the workday today, I will feel all caught up on my U work that had gotten chaotic and sporadically out of sequence due to my forced "governmental service".  It will be nice if that really comes to pass today.

4.  Even though I do not have time for it yet, in the next few weeks I likely need to begin perusing vehicle options as my wife's vehicle is at a point of needing to be replaced.   Probably in the next several days, I may talk about how I get vehicles, as it is a fairly long process. 

5.  In about two and a half weeks, I am going to present some of my research at a meeting I attend every year at this time.   It popped into my mind yesterday that one of the previous hallmarks of this particular meeting was that there was a really wonderful pipe shop nearby that for many years/decades, it would be my routine to stop in there after I presented and just enjoy shopping/smoking in the shop.  It occurred to me, that perhaps this could be a relatively safe opportunity for me to see if I could successfully adopt an "occasional" pipe smoking pattern.  Not sure what I may or may not do yet, though.

6.  My wife and I watched an episode of "Life Below Zero" on National Geographic yesterday.   I really enjoy the show.... but it was quite disheartening to see the folks on that show set in very Northern Alaska have an episode about their pleasant Summer when it is awfully damn cold and blustery in my area currently.  :)

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Lenten Vows

Ashes

We rise again from ashes, from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes, to create ourselves anew
If all our world is ashes, then must our lives be true, 
an offering of ashes, an offering to you.

We offer you our failures, we offer you attempts,
the gifts not fully given, the dreams not fully dreamt.
Give our stumblings direction, give our visions wider view,
 an offering of ashes, an offering to you.

                                           - Thomas Conry (OCP, 1978)
                                             (The link above is to a video of the song).                       

As I tried to contemplate all day yesterday before I was able to attend evening Mass for Ash Wednesday, I was searching through the large array of failures that I have in how I am in life in order to trying to find both the most important and also the most realistic ones for me to commit to trying to have no longer be failures.  I likely cannot maintain enough focus to work on all of my failings simultaneously, so realistically, what are some of the important things I believe I can gather up enough energy and focus to change in myself?  Here is what I have decided for this Lenten journey:

1.  I want to control my anger and resentment at my two co-workers.  I want to be forgiving of them, and I want to release that deep hurt I feel.  In regards to my anger... that anger is an anger that I keep bottled up inside me... so it is not affecting them, but is hurting me.

2.  I want to be less reactive in my emotions.  What I mean is that for me, difficult events, or unexpected problems/challenges have a strong tendency to make my mood switch to a moody, sad, retreating/fearful state.  I can often see LATER how that switch in my mood does not help me nor others around me, so I am planning to have in my mind the notion of not reacting in that way and staying calm and more evaluative of these situations and not letting myself go into that sad, dark mindset.

3.  I am going to work much harder at being more patient, especially with members in my family.   There are always things that we all do that can be a bit aggravating to others in our family.  I have become pretty good at not responding negatively to the lion's share of these aggravations that occur.... but that does not mean I do not feel aggravation inside.   My goal is to take my effort further and not only NOT REACT to the aggravations... but also to not FEEL AGGRAVATED by them either. 

4.  I want to work harder to be a "bright spot" in each day for my family and friends.  So much of the time, it feels that life is so harried and hectic that my day feels like I am just rushing from one moment to another every second I am awake and am not able to EXPERIENCE the day, nor CONTRIBUTE positively to the day.   I truly some days feel as if I am living life almost as a "machine" or a "robot" because I have so damn many tasks I have to get through from the time my alarm goes off at 5am and though often until I lay in bed around 11:00pm.  Instead, I want to be more fully present when I am with those that I love.  I want to give them more of my presence, more of my emotion, more of my love. 

Those are the things I have worked through.   I am still searching and trying to identify if there are others I may need to add as well. 

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Trifecta

Today is Ash Wednesday.   I am posting this early in the morning, not because I have firmed up my Lenten vows, but because I am thinking I have another day ahead of me that is so chaotic and back-to-back busy that I will not have another moment until very, very late in the day after I return from Ash Wednesday Mass this evening.  And, I know then I will be so bushed that I cannot guarantee even the minimal standard I try to uphold now. 

But, what I wanted to mention is that every year at this time, I remember a comic that was published when I was a child in the Catholic Newspaper of my Diocese.   The comic artist took many different routes with his comics about the Faith.   I remember them well and fondly.  But, one was especially memorable to me.   One of his common themes was showing kids play acting out various parts of Mass and assuming many roles.  Often the punchlines were cute, but more often they were fun and/or poignant and insightful at the same time.  Well, this comic must have been published when I was perhaps ten or eleven years old and it was showing the kids re-enacting Ash Wednesday Mass.  And so there was one kid who assumed the role of "priest" and was distributing ashes to the "parishioners".  Well, because this was a comic of kids play acting, the young boy who was playing the priest, had his father's pipe in hand in order to obtain the ashes for placing the ashes in the sign of the cross on the "parishoner's" forehead.  

Of course, for me, not only was the comic cute, but the use of the pipe in that way also caught my attention.   I remember and think about that comic every year as we near Ash Wednesday. I even tried it a few times as a kid with a pipe of my Dad's that he had let sit and had not knocked out the ashes. 

And, even though I am unsure about whether this was good or not.... I do remember one time long ago when I was in graduate school and because of my research and proctoring load.... and admittedly I also think I got simply was damn forgetful and got the time wrong as well.... I MISSED getting to the late evening Ash Wednesday service one year.  I was very disappointed in myself but there wasn't anything I could do at that late time of the day.  So, I actually did give myself the Sign of the Cross on my forehead with ashes from my own pipe.  I know it was NOT the same as going to Mass, and I did not pretend it was.   But, by doing this, I did feel a little less hurt about my stupidity about missing Mass.  It was not a perfect solution... but it helped me a bit emotionally about missing.

Probably tomorrow, I will try to outline my Lenten goals.

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Another Thought Set

Although I try to keep my reflections on Mass focused on my Sunday blog post.... this week, due to my jumbled chaotic feelings has caused me to try to fix more fully my lack of focus this past Sunday.   So, I am exploring just a bit further:

In the readings from last Sunday, one of the strongest aspects to remember (and again, Pat nailed this very succinctly) is you are guided by God's command to forgive. 

Most of the time in my life, forgiving has been relatively "easy" and "natural" to do.   In *most* cases and in most day-to-day instances, forgiveness can and is relatively easy.   Even when I would have a few heated words with someone.... I could usually anticipate being able to forgive in short order. 

But sadly, I also have to admit, there have been a small handful of times (reasoning this through in my mind, I can identify FOUR times (FOUR people) with whom) I have or have had great difficulty to forgive. 

Two of those four total people are the two I have written about so frequently in the recent past.  They hurt me in ways that are difficult to describe.   But that is no excuse.   It is right that I must be able to forgive them.  I have been working hard to develop the mindset of forgiveness for those two. 

I *think* I am making a bit of progress.  Much of the time during the last two weeks..... instead of feeling hurt, feeling angry, feeling resentful towards those two,,,, I have been able to foster feelings of indifference.   Not a perfect example of forgiveness yet... but it is heading in a better direction. 

Pat mentioned this idea to me about forgiving, and I knew it was a right and good notion.  And, I had been working toward this but my mind sometimes would stumble back into the anger and distrust.  But, succinctly stating as I pray the Rosary that I must forgive them with each praryer... has helped me to shift my focus more toward that behavior I want to emulate and adopt. 

Again, another kind of "scattered" post with ideas all over the place.   Again, I am trying to get my thoughts to the page quickly as I keep struggling to catch back up. 

PipeTobacco

P.S.  One final comment.   I meant to mention it yesterday.  Pat stated at the end of a comment.... "You will also notice tomorrow that the readings remind us that each Christian is the temple of God. It doesn't, however, give guidance about burning fragrant incense in that temple! :-)"  I REALLY enjoyed that comment and it gave me a big smile.   I have had the same exact thought about that passage and also about the comparison of fragrant aromatic pipe tobacco to incense many times ever since I was a young kid so many decades ago.

Thoughts Every Which Way

My thoughts are still all over the map.  A big part is from the mandatory "governmental service" from the last few weeks, part of it is several members of my family have a harsh respiratory/flu thing, including my wife.... and I feel a lot of tension about the potential she may go again into pneumonia.  I also worry about me catching whatever this damn thing is, although at the moment I continue to be fine..... unlike my family, I have NOT had aches, chills, high prolonged fever, harsh, non-productive cough, nor lethargy.  But, that has just been another added level of stress to my life in addition to the mandatory "governmental service".  And, even though I worked like a dog all day Sunday, I am still playing catch-up at the U today (and likely tomorrow) to try to bring my life back into some sort of order or balance. 

I am really trying to force myself BACK into the calmer, more predictable, gentler lifestyle I prefer.  I did eek out a bit of time looking at the Catholic Bishop's Mass Readings and along with Pat's reflections on them as well, now feel a bit better about having learned something worthwhile..... even though I still feel annoyed at myself for not succeeding in paying attention at Mass.   I mean, hell, at my age, I should not be struggling with this sort of drift of mind b*llsh*t in myself any longer.  I am trying to view it as situational.... but I am still awfully damn disappointed in myself .... this is the SECOND TIME in a month where I failed at paying attention and striving to learn.

Some of the things I have learned through the Mass Readings and through Pat's comments about the Mass Readings include:

1.  A big part of the Gospel reading was focused on how the Lord is kind and merciful.  And, I can fully understand how important that is.   If He were to grade me on my actual efforts, let along my successes in doing good...... then I hate to think of the piss-poor grade I would get.   I NEED His kindness and mercy, for no matter how carefully I plan and try.... I get tripped up by my own shortcomings again and again. 

2. I think back on how stupid this was of me for the 6-8 months a few years ago, where I avoided like the plague going to confession.   I didn't do this avoidance because I did not want to confess.  I avoided going because I was so ashamed that week after week.... month after month, I would keep seeking forgiveness for the same damn things every, single time.   I am not saying I wanted NEW bad behaviors nor bad actions.   What I mean is I grew so embarrassed that time and time again, it was as if I would go to confession, vow to become better in regards to what I sought forgiveness for, and then almost immediately in that next week.... doing the same damn wrong things again and again.   I was imagining both my priest and God thinking of my confession as a farce since I never became any better.

This was a free-form essay today.   I just wanted to release some of my emotions.   I apologize for grammar inconsistencies if present and also for any incongruencies.   I gave myself only 10 minutes to speed type this out.

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Brief

Not underwear.... boxers are more comfortable and like I tell my A&P students during the discussions on the reproductive system..... boxers allow for  greater reproductive health for males and increased gamete production.

But, that silliness aside.... I am, as you may guess, struggling quite a bit.  Now that my “Govenmental Service” has officially concluded (more about that in the future), I am having to play all manner of catch-up at my U work.  I came here immediately after Mass.  And I will be here for quite a spell yet.  But, I think, hope, and pray that with this effort, I may return to a more normal routine tomorrow.


Mass was good as always, but I am sad to say my retention was poor.  I will try to determine what I should have been aware of and learned in the next few days if my schedule DOES become more normal.  Thoughts of all sorts have been roiling through my synapses almost non-stop lately.

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Thinking

Just thinking a lot today.

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Trying

Trying to work hard.  Trying to use this last day of the “governmental service” stuff wisely.  I will be glad when it ends today.  I may talk about it more soon, but it has been rough.  My pipe dreams last night were very vivid.  I have my pipe again with me today.  But, that is hard too... not sure where I am going with it all, honestly.

PipeTobacco

Just Another

Brief post.... Just another very stressful and chaotic day associated with the ongoing governmental service making my U life excessively chaotic and exhausting.  I am again carrying my pipe with me.  Not sure if it is really a good thing to do or a bad thing.  Fiddling around with it is helpful in many ways, but it is also bringing back a lot of memories and desires to progress with it more fully.

Oh, well.

PipeTobacco

Still...

Still carrying my pipe with me today.  It was oddly comforting in some ways but meloncholic in others.   Some of the seemingly ingrained patterns I miss came to me very naturally.  Although, of course it was not the “complete” experience by any stretch of the imagination.  It felt comfortable and friendly when I would touch it in my pocket or hold it in my hand.  Gripping the stem between my teeth also felt friendly and calming.

Not sure if this is a good long range strategy, or is a bit of a “slippery slope”.... but I will try it again today.

PipeTobacco

I Am Carrying

I have decided to carry around an empty pipe with me today.   I feel so stressed that I feel it may be able to be a pacifier of sorts for me if things get harder.

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I was Asked

I was asked by a band member if I could be a substitute in another band two towns away from here in a concert they are having in early next month.  I am flattered that the individual asked me..... and theoretically I would like to do it.   But, it has further ramped up my stress because I would need to learn a whole array of new music.... and a new conductor's style..... and would have a lot of travel time.... and another evening away from home... when I am lately already exhausted from my running and my work at the U.  And, I am not sure of how good the members of this group are.... I am afraid I am barely a micron about a rank amateur. If they are far more professional than I am used to in my casual group... I will be embarrassed as hell to try to keep up with them. 

So, I am keyed up about this.... I want to help, but I am stressed about helping, and fear failure, and do not know if I have the energy to muster up the effort.  But thinking about saying no also makes me feel selfish and guilty.

PipeTobacco

Mass Thoughts

I tried really hard to work to turn my mental energy and focus around yesterday.  But it was hard.  I found the following from Mass today to be the most helpful parts for me to hear:

Before man are life and death, good and evil,
whichever he chooses shall be given him.

and

No one does he command to act unjustly,
to none does he give license to sin.

In the first statement, I was startled at first into thinking about my own situation and thinking... have I been choosing evil and that is why I feel so stressed and frustrated?  But, after contemplating it further, I honestly do not think I choose evil, and I do try to choose good in life.   After thinking further, I do realize how hearing the first statement above, though, is helpful for me.... because I can say that when I am hurt or stressed..... I do get angry, typically inside myself... which in some ways may actually be choosing a form of evil towards self.  Perhaps in that context, it will help me to better figure out ways to shed the anger and disappointment and frustration that I feel?

The second line is helpful for me.... again because.... I know..... but benefit from the reminding.... that just because life can and is hard at times.... it does not give me an excuse to fail at my trying to always work to do good, positive, affirming things in life.   Sometimes the emotional hurt I can feel blinds me to my role in life, blinds me to the idea that regardless of what I FEEL, I have to try to persevere to work harder to do good.  I CANNOT do as I sometimes feel.... curl away in isolation and just try to sleep the emotional pain away.   That is selfish.

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I Do Not Know

My emotions are all over the map.   I am feeling angry, and tired, and sad, and despondent.  I have a lot of extra work piled onto me because of mandatory governmental service I am engaged in currently and it has tired me out and made me very cranky and stressed.  I will talk more about it and why it is so stressful at another time.  I just needed to get off my chest that it is frustrating and annoying and my mood could be better.

I am forcing myself to do my normal things (running, etc).... but I feel at my wits end, truth-be-told.

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Two Years

Today marks two years since I gave up my beautiful, beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos.  I started this effort on Ash Wednesday of 2018 (February 14th, 2018).  Two years without my pipes is a helluva long time. 

Perhaps I should feel a sense of "accomplishment". 

Perhaps I should "relish" my efforts.

Perhaps I should take "pride" in this milestone. 

But.... really.... I just feel indifference.  I feel a "who cares" mindset about this two year mark. 

*  *  *  *  *

What have I learned, however? 

1.  Would I like to go back to smoking my pipes?   

Yes. Every aspect of the hobby is enjoyable and pleasing to me.

2.  Do I still YEARN to smoke a pipe?  

No.  I no longer have the deep, gnawing yearning for a pipe that I once had.  I *do* think about pipes every day.   I *do* miss them still.  I have a pipe rack in my home office that I have filled with some of my most eye-pleasing pipes and a glass canister that I still keep filled with one of my especially pleasantly aromatic pipe tobaccos.  I look at the pipes every day (admittedly a tad wistfully), and I like the gentle aromatic odor of the canister of pipe tobacco in my office even though most of the time, I keep the lid on the canister of pipe tobacco closed. I still have two of my favorite lighters also with the pipe rack.  One is my Nimrod Pipe Lighter and the other is a Zippo Pipe Lighter .  I light each of them occasionally.  My other lighters are packed away with my other pipes and pipe tobaccos.  I did throw away the ubiquitous but boring Bic lighters that I also often used to light my pipes... they were just plastic, throw-away items that were not special... just tools to assist... with no inherent artistry. 

3.  Are there any positives to have stopped these two years? 

Yes.  But, they are subjective.  In some ways it is "easier" to not be a pipe smoker.... at least in 2020.  I grew tired of some folks mentioning my "pipey" aura (in a negative fashion by them) that would occur occasionally especially during the last several years.  And, in *theory* I have done what I can do at this point to decrease my risk of developing a smoking related ailment.  But, those at the only two positives I can think of. 

4.  Other thoughts:

If I had any pipe smoking buddies anymore at least that I could visit regularly.... I would probably continue to smoke my pipes.  I would relish having a pipe smoking buddy to have a few beers with and to just sit and talk. I do not like being a lone wolf.  I grew tired of being a "Don Quixote".  Society was far more pleasant in this regard, 30 years ago, and most assuredly 40 years ago and more.  I still think about picking the pipe back up, I admit.  But, the lack of a buddy and the crabbiness of folks these days has thus far deterred me.

PipeTobacco

Tired of Snow

As a Northerner.... snow is a facet of life from November through often into April.  But... truth-be-told..... this period of time in February is the absolute worst in regards to snow.  Not necessarily because of how much snow is present (that varies a lot)..... it is just..... that by this time of the year..... I am so damn sick and tired of snow, but there is really no hope for any sort of relief for at least another month and a half.  If we are really lucky, we may not have any snow after mid March.... but more typically there are at least a few significant enough snowfalls that happen into early April. 

As I inch closer to retirement, the thought of moving somewhere with NO snow grows more and more appealing.

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Turkey Sandwhich

My mouth is already watering this morning as I look forward to my weekly turkey sandwich tonight.  Usually once a week my wife goes to spend an evening alone with her Mom.    This tradition started long ago when we both took the same day of the week to have a bit of alone time one evening each week to be with our parents.... but sadly, the only remaining living parent now is my mother-in-law. 

But, as has become the norm as we continue this tradition, on the day she goes to visit her Mom, I get to have a very wonderful turkey sandwich from a deli I love.  Over the last couple of years, it has become the only meat containing meal I eat each week.  But, I do relish it. 

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Lalo Schifrin

After getting home from band rehearsal last night, my wife and I watched another episode we had recorded of the wonderful television show, Mannix.  I just love the theme song and the music used in the show.   The theme was written by the illustrious Lalo Schifrin. 

Schifrin is a pianist, composer, arranger and conductor. He is best known for his large body of film and TV scores since the 1950s, including the themes from Mission: Impossible and bullitt.  His work is very much in the 1960 jazz ethos and is wonderful. 

Listen to the theme song to Mannix using this link.  Be especially sure to listen for the incredibly wonderful tympani part which is prominent at both the beginning and the end of the song. 

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Cornoavirus

The situation with the spread of the Coronavirus is quite worrisome.  Currently there are two theories about the vector origins of this disease.  One purported idea is that the xenotransfer occurred from bats to humans and the other theory is that the transfer occurred from pangolins to humans.  Both organisms could be the vector species through consumption of the animal as food or both potentially could be vectors through a bite from an infected organism. 

Regardless of the vector origins, the potentially global pandemic spread of this virus and its strong ability to cause respiratory failure and death in humans is monumentally frightening.  The other really nerve wracking aspect is that we are currently unclear as to all the potential routes by which the infection can spread.  Carefully established quarantines and a reduction in travel can hopefully slow the spread of the virus until we can better understand the basics of the viral organism and *hopefully* find/develop effective treatments and vaccines.

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Mass Thoughts

Fortunately, I was far more successful this week in paying attention at Mass.   The one part of the readings today that especially hit a chord with me was:

Share your bread with the hungry,
shelter the oppressed and the homeless;
clothe the naked when you see them,
and do not turn your back on your own.

I keep finding, that while I *know* the ideas expressed above, that I hate that I so often recognize that I am so far from where I could and should be in regards to the above.   I could devote more time to service.  I could work harder to help others.  The take home message I had from Mass today is that I need to try harder.  I need to strive to be the better person I should be.

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Running Milestone

On Thursday, the day that I could not run as usual in the morning due to work requirements, I was nervous and worried most of the day about how and when to fit in my run. 

Well, I ended up finally getting to run very late in the day.  When I got too the track, I decided that I damn well was going to try to strive for something "new".  As I said previously, I have been contemplating in a "pipe dream" sort of fashion, the idea of running a 1/2 marathon race sometime this coming Summer if I can get up enough psychological courage and physical stamina to do so.  A half marathon is 13.1 miles (~21 km) in length. 

The "psychological courage" part is the idea of actually running in an official race and overcoming the obstacles  I have in terms of self image.  See, the reality is that even though I do run (jog), and I do have a healthy BMI now (~23 @ 172lb).... from a psychological perspective I still see myself inside as the chubby, "fat-kid" who at one time weighed almost 300 pounds (~130 kg or 20.5 stone).  It takes a lot of psychological energy for me to push through that.... because innately I tend to see myself as not being "athletic".

But also, in terms of the "physical stamina" part, running 13.1 miles in one setting, continuously... IS a helluva lot of work!  I am not sure of my previous longest single time running distance.... but I believe it was either 8 or 9 miles (~13-14km).

Well, Thursday evening.... I screwed up enough damn, dogged determination, and decided to give it a try.  And.... I *DID* complete all 13.1 miles in one setting.  It took me about 121 minutes.   The last three miles were very tough... and I ended up slowing considerably during those last three miles.... but I completed all 13.1 without stopping once!!!!

Now... this was big accomplishment for me, and with further work and further practice each month... it may be possible for me to enter a real 1/2 marathon race and also work through the psychological crap.... and maybe, actually do it!  

When March rolls around, I will try to do another 13.1 to see if I can replicate it.

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92

Today, if my mother were alive, she would have reached her 92nd birthday. 

I love and miss you, Mom.  You (and Dad) were wonderful parents, and I so appreciate the love, kindness, and gentleness you gave to me.   I learned so much from you.   I try so very hard to live my life in a fashion that makes you proud of me.   Your teaching me about how to "be" as a person and how to be try to always be thoughtful, kind, and cognizant of other's feelings has been always something I try to keep in my focus, every day. 

Although I do not always succeed.... please know that I do try, and do try very strenuously to lead a life every day that is of help to others and that I sincerely try to be valuable for others in my actions. 

PipeTobacco

Did Not Run Yet

I did not run yet today, as I had to get to the U early (~6:30am) to get some time sensitive stuff done (will explain later).  I will have to find time this afternoon to run... which is harder than running in the morning for me.  But I must figure out some time to do it..... even if I need to do it at 9pm.

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Hectic Wednesday

Today is set to be an especially busy day at the U for me, so while I wait for our dog to do her “business” I thought I would make my “to do” list:

Run (I just finished this... 6 miles today)

Lecture for a total of 5.5 hours.

Grade an essay exam for one of my classes (36 students)

Research guidance for my research students.

Write and submit two upcoming exams.

Finalize PowerPoint slides for the next two chapters in my one upper division course.

At least start the four talks I need to give at two upcoming research conferences in March.

Write a bunch of work related e-mails.

So, it will be a tough day where I need to carefully maintain focus.  It is days like these where my fantasy of laying in bed all day, reading novels, smoking my pipe, drinking coffee and eating a bunch of donuts sounds so appealing.  But it is only a true “pipe dream”.

PipeTobacco

Rituals and Patterns

I am a creature of habits.   Routine gives me comfort, I guess. 

I was thinking about patterns and habits as I ran this morning.  I ran my 5 miles (actually 5.25 miles (~8.5 km)).  As usual, it felt good to pray the Rosary as I ran.  It helped me to center my mind and my thoughts.  And, expending the energy helped me to feel more relaxed. 

My morning breakfast ritual (other than Sunday) has been for at least a dozen years now (if not longer), to have a bowl of high fiber cereal with blueberries, and my preference is to allow the milk to soak into the cereal so it is what my wife calls "soggy".  She abhors soggy cereal, and will not put milk on cereal until moments before she eats it.   I am happy to let the bowl of cereal sit for an hour or more before I will eat it.  Also for at least a dozen years, I have eaten a cup of yogurt each morning and a banana. 

Another habit that I recognize in myself is in regards to the band I play in.   Our major rehearsal day is always on Monday.  With the timing of rehearsal, I do not get home that evening until usually around 10:15pm.  As I tend to not like to eat before rehearsal, My wife has a plate saved for me when I get home.  The late return from the high energy rehearsal also makes me feel quite wide awake and talkative, and it is typical for me to stay up on Monday evenings until usually 12:30am or 1:00am before I am ready to go to sleep. 

It does make it difficult to get up to run at 5:00am on Tuesday morning.  But, I cannot use it as an excuse.  But, luckily, today.... like most Tuesdays.... I can shed some of my tiredness with my run and do "ok" through the day.   But, I do look forward to a more normal bedtime tonight.   My wife and I have a normal pattern of going to sleep usually between 10:30 and 11:30pm other days of the week. 

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Thoughts from Readings

Since I was not paying appropriate attention at Mass yesterday, I went to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to read through what I should have been able to pay attention to.  Although not as useful as hearing it at Mass, the one thing I did take away from reading the three readings (First, Second, Gospel) was a strong focus on the idea of purification. 

For me, the take home message is that I need to work on purifying my heart and mind so that I can be a better person and a better servant to others.  I need to work harder to not be the selfish person I can be and often am.  I need to focus more on others and how my role in life is really not about me, but about how I can, if I try hard, to have a positive effect for others.  The readings remind me of how I so very frequently forget or ignore that idea of being of service to others in my life. 

I hope to work harder at being a better professor for my students in teaching them and in guiding them in research.  I hope to work harder to be the better husband I can be for my wife, the better father I can be for my children.  I want and need to be a better me for family and friends and my community. 

Knowing what I want to be is far different than being what I want to be, however.   That is the conundrum.   I need to work harder to not be selfish.  I need to work outside of my own hurts, and fears, and anger.

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Mass

Unfortunately, with several unexpected absences of folks who help out due to weather.... most every task at mass needed my attention.  Our priest even added a special “all parishioners” candle lighting aspect to mass today.  So, I had so many tasks to do.... ushering, Eucharistic layminister, acolyte, candle distributor, candle lighter, filling the alter candles.... and several other tasks, I very unfortunately cannot recall what any of the readings were about nor much about Father’s homily.

I feel guilty that I did not pay attention better.  Even though I was running around like the proverbial “chicken with its head cut off” the entire time I was there, it is not a legitimate excuse for not paying attention more deeply.  I will have to go to the Catholic Bishop’s Mass Reading website to try to read what I missed.

It is still not the same, but it is what I can do.

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Two Years Gone

I wasn’t really wanting to write about it, but I still think I should record it:

This past Wednesday marked two years now since my father-in-law passed away.  I do miss the friendship and camaraderie we had.

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