It Is Sandpaper
In other words, it is "rough". Here is a basic rundown:
Thursday, the day was horridly busy at work, and I had several late afternoon meetings I had to attend. One in particular was to get nominated again for a standing committee about curriculum. The lateness of my departure from the U frazzled my schedule for the rest of the evening and so began my foray into "chaos".
Friday, I worked in my back office most of the morning, trying to get caught up on teaching plans and research issues I had been lax in during the week. At the end of the afternoon, I decided to go and talk and share libations with my father-in-law. I still felt chaos.
Saturday, I began to realize that I had been having a fair amount of emotional pain due to certain thoughts about my mother's passing. I suspect it may be the time of year, for this was the time of the year in 2007 when my worry for her became larger and larger. It is difficult to believe it has been less than two years that she has been gone. Her birthday, which would be her 81st will be on the 7th of next month. Two years ago she was pretty much house bound because of the cold weather and due to her having had such a horribly long hospital stay that had weakened her. I have been thinking about how deeply I miss her and how I wish I had been able to fix what was wrong. And, I wish I could have her know how much I love her. I think my awareness of my pain about my mother's death had been building during much of the past week.
We did go with a lot of the family to see ice sculptures on display in a nearby village.
Sunday, chaotic feelings continued. The normal routine we have adopted was shot in the foot by activities that had to be attended. Although the day ended on a good note, I still felt shabby and sad.
Monday, I forgot to throw my exercise clothes in the dryer the night before, and could not therefore go walking at my usual time. My clothes are extensive... long underwear shirt, two t-shirts, sweatshirt, three hats, long underwear pants, two pair of sweat pants, winter coat, gloves, boots. With them being wet, I could not walk at my normal morning time. This threw my schedule out of alignment today and added to the last several stressful days. I then had to rearrange my time and my goals to try to find a way to exercise (take my walk) after work. Instead of it being fun and enjoyable, it felt like work when I finally set out for my five miles around 4:30pm.
I went to orchestra practice in the evening. It was nice, but did not relieve stress and/or anxiety like it typically does. I still feel (felt) edgy and out of sorts.